Blah

I've got a plan for being productive over the summer.

I want to: read a book a week, an article a day, write for 10-30 minutes a day, and work (part time) 20 hours a week. I'm finding the first and last of my goals easily attainable. I've got lots of free time and it's too hot to enjoy being active outside most of the day so I'm doing well with my reading and working. Well, reading of books anyway.

I like that I'm reading a story. That I'm having a conversation about a topic. It feels like a long documentary. It's enjoyable.

I've got a mental block when it comes to writing and reading articles. I'm afraid that I won't have anything valuable to say. That when I write, my work will be disputable and elementary and worthless. That the argument I want to make has been made before and better. That I have nothing new to bring to the table. That I'm good at reading and learning but bad at creating and growing.

I'm going to be in my third year of grad school soon. I remember coming in to the program and meeting all of the then third years and being impressed with how much they knew, how productive they were. In your third year here students take a teaching prep course. I'm really excited about the idea of teaching but feel like I'm pretending to be knowledgeable enough to scrape through school.

I feel like a fraud. I do really well in my classes but I can't do the research (well) on my own. I know this is a hurdle I've got to mentally overcome but I'm not there yet. I haven't mustered up the strength to push through this insecurity.